home sweet home

So I’m home. A month earlier than everyone else. I’m missing school and I am back home in the comfort of my apartment. My room. My bed.

The past few weeks I’ve not went to breakfast, too tired to wake up after what seems like a restless night of sleep. The past few weeks I would be waking up fine and then in the middle of the afternoon my mentality would deteriorate and going to lessons became so hard I have to go to the medical centre to talk out my feelings.

I can’t accept compliments. I know I’m not dumb. My grades are pretty decent and I know I’m not incredibly overweight or ugly yet I my heart won’t believe it. My head can easily say this and rationalize this but my heart does not believe that I am anything but what the words people have told me in my old school. I would cry in bed thinking I need to be home and that I can’t possibly carry on if I don’t go home. Its partially my fault for not being constant with my meds but imagine being on the same medication for 3/4 years not stopping for a single day. Its exhausting.

I’m home but I wish I had the mental strength to stay. I wish I wasn’t missing a whole chunk of school and I wish I was doing my exams with my classes.

I invested in waterproof mascara because of how much I cried spontaneously. I think thats the saddest reason to buy waterproof mascara. I’m missing a bunch of uni open days that I will have to go in September instead. I’m missing a concert I was looking forward to. I’m missing opportunities because of my illness and for that, its enough reason for you to never be jealous of me.

Half the time I look like my whole life is put together and everything is going my way but the other half is where I cry in the middle of the library sobbing because my mind is so tired from everything. The other half is where my life is falling apart and I am crumbling into pieces but I am so good at putting the pieces back together only for it to break the next day. I am constantly vulnerable and I was tired of it. I was on a plane for most of yesterday and I had the best sleep on a plane than I had in months on a bed in school.

I hope when I come back in September, I become the better version of me. I am constantly evolving myself and changing myself to become a better me. One day I will be able to accept compliments and believe them. One day I will be able to refrain from saying nasty things to people and one day I will be able to stay happy.

I’m gonna be alright

Nicole xx

 

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