Unsolicited Sadness

Have you ever cried so hard your chest hurts and your heart physically aches and you feel like you cant possibly cry any more because buckets of tears has poured down your face?

I have. Many many times.

Its tiring. Especially if its a week where you felt less than alright through majority of it and little things can set you off. I am currently in the medical centre of my school because I couldn’t sit in my english class annotating Hamlet’s infamous “to be or not to be” soliloquy where he contemplates life, death and suicide. Bare in mind I am not suicidal anymore but when you feel lonely and down, annotating a infamous tragedy by William Shakespeare is not exactly the ideal way to calm down.

I have a voice.

I know I do but half the time I use it badly. I have so many thoughts and words that I can’t express. People know me as the “feminist” or as “savage”. No one knows me as that girl who’s barely keeping it together. I am though. Thats who I am. I am barely keeping myself together. I am going through shit. I don’t feel good. But guess what? I can’t bring myself to say it to my friends. I can’t bring myself to say this to anyone who isn’t a professional counsellor or something along the lines. Is it trust? Is it because people have broken my trust so many times that I’ve lost how to trust people. Is it vulnerability? Am I scared of being defenseless and being in a state where I can’t protect myself?. Or is it simply me feeling like a burden. How many times have I left a place to go to the med centre for a chat or went to a teacher and ranted. Lets compare that with the times I’ve went to my friends. I’m a hypocrite. I say its no burden to tell their friends their troubles yet I never do it. I feel like a burden. I don’t like bring people’s mood down.

I have so many thoughts and feelings yet I don’t voice it. Which is why if you’re reading this, you’re allowing me to confront you in which I thank you for this.

There are so many things I want to say but the only way I can voice it is through this blog because I physically can’t do it. You’re getting me in my rawest form.

 

thank you,

Nicole

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